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victoria salinas
May 30, 2022
In Prayer
I’ve been trying so hard to get on board with the move to Naperville, but my heart and mind are struggling with it so much. I keep asking God for a heart of surrender and peace. I woke up right now with such a fear of my mom leaving and our little family being left exposed and alone. I know we’re not alone but living life away from everyone the past two years has been so incredibly hard. I keep blaming myself that if I had appreciated my in laws more, if I had been a better person and if I didn’t struggle with these feelings of panic and anxiety we would be home already. I’ve asked God to forgive me. I’ve been listening to 2-3 sermons a day, reading my Bible, doing devotionals and sleeping to a Christian meditation every night. I’ve been cooking at home, moving my body and avoiding sugar in hopes that something will shift in my mind. The word that keeps coming to mind is: alone. I feel alone and unseen by God. I know this isn’t true, but it’s my struggle. If it were up to me, my mom would stay here indefinitely to help my nervous system relax and not always feel like it’s in fight mode . My heart wants so badly to be in Houston or to at least feel peace about Naperville, living in West Virginia has felt like such a mental struggle and I just want peace and rest. I feel so much shame over my mental struggles and wish I had more faith and didn’t feel so unseen by God. My fear is that in these moments of mental anguish God will not rescue me from drowning and will introduce a legacy of mental health bondage to my two year old son. The picture is my son. I want people to see who you’re really praying for—- his future. His legacy.
God, do you hear me?  content media
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